mediocrity

I'm not scared to fail.
I've done it before.
It's not so bad.

I've heard it said that it's not so much that we are scared to fail, we are scared to succeed.
I have no problem with success.
It wouldn't be so bad.

I'm scared of mediocrity.
Being average. Middle of the road. Just good.
That would be bad.

I have dreams....big dreams.....dreams that seem that they will burst right through my chest if I don't contain them. Ideas and visions and plans. But.......

Before I even picked up my first real camera I had visions of what I wanted to produce. I finally held the camera in my hands and it was as though I was finally given a medium with which to express and capture moments, ideas, color, light. I have yet to make the big step of letting it be my life, because I feel the results have been average, ordinary, good...but not great. It's hard to pursue something when you know you won't fail, but you won't soar either.

I want to go to photography school or film school, I want to let the creativity pour through me. I want freedom to express and produce.....but am scared of the mediocre results.

Failure I can deal with.
Success would be amazing.
Mediocrity, I don't want....

all grown up...... 

Lessons 10yrs in the making....

The friends that were truly important in my life 10yrs ago are still really important in my life today.

We never truly comprehend how our actions will effect the outcome of someone elses life.....good or bad.

We are not the same people today as we were yesterday, we are constantly changing, growing, learning, succeding, failing ..... moving.

We are very blessed when we have the support and love of friends during the tough times, not everyone does.

We can spend a lot of time assuming things about people, only to find out with just a single glance that we were wrong.

. 

inside the church at skoockumchuk 

In the middle of nowhere.... 

inside the church 

it was a good day.... 

well...on a lighter note.....

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8am..Andrew slept in :)
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds b/c they sparkle
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Madagascar
4. What are your favorite TV shows? Amazing Race...Taneane and I are SO going on that show.
5. What did you have for breakfast? Protien shake and no fat yogurt, then for my 2nd breakfast I had a cheesebiscuit and a caramel frappacino
6. What is your middle name? Joanne
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian, and anything chocolate
8. What foods do you dislike? mushrooms, raisins.
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Cheddar
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? My Josh Groban, Charlotte Church, Sarah Brightman mix.
11. What type of car do you drive? Toyota Matrix
12. Favorite sandwich? I don't like snadwiches, althoughI had a chicken carbonara sub at Quinzno's and I think I could seriously get addicted to them.
13. What characteristic do you despise? ignorance, selfishness
14. Favorite item of clothing? my new white flewffy skirt
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? AFRICA and EGYPT.....but for a week or two I'd love to take a train across Canada, or at least through the rockies.
16. What color is your bathroom? White!! My bathroom is finally white!!! with pink and chocolate brown accents
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Ugghh, I can never find clothes that work. I actually bought stuff from the Gap today. Usually it's Suzy sheer or the Garage (how fuuny)
18. Where would you retire to? I'm just trying to get through this year!!!!
19. Favorite time of the day? 9:00am Timmy time
20. What was your most memorable birthday? Hmmmm.....
22. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball, Although we watched alot of hockey last year and it really wasn't so bad.

25. What laundry detergent do you use? Laundry? what's that??
26. Coke or Pepsi? hee hee - coke.........with rum.
27. Favorite movie? Ocean's 11 and 12 was good too. The Power of One, So I married an Axe Murderer, A Christmas story
8. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Neither, noon is good
29. What is your shoe size? 7
30. Do you have any pets? A cat, a mouse, some wolf spiders, a frog, a deer, birds in a nest above the door and occassionally a bear.
31. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family & friends? Surprisingly no.
32. What did you want to be when you were little? Artist, missionary.
33. What languages do you speak? English and I know 4 spanish words
34. What is your pet peeve? Clothes that make me look fat!!!! (I had a frustrating day at the mall)

10 years later....

'Welcome to the real world', she said to me
Condescendingly
'Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white'
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeve
They love to tell you "stay inside the lines"
But something's better
On the other side......

I quickly read Scott's blog about expecations and began to think of how that word has played a role in my life. I had some unrealistic expectations of my husband and my marriage, right to the bitter end. I'm not sure I fully knew who he was and pretty sure I wasn't very accepting of that real, raw, human, man I married. In all fairness, he never accepted me either.
I always felt that I had to live up to some standard, some ideal, something that pushed me farther away from being my genuine self.

So the good boys and girls take

the so called right track

Faded white hats

Grabbing credits, maybe transfers

They read all the books but they can't

Find the answers

And all of our parents

They're getting older

I wonder if they've wished for anything better

I recently went to the Toyota dealership to take back the SUV I couldn't afford. I explained my situation to the salesman, who immediately told me he could get me into an affordable, 4 door silver corolla, he then priced it out for me and we (he) decided that would be a great option.

Am I capable of making my own decision? Or do I blindly follow what is expected of me, simply nodding and going ahead, b/c everyone else knows what is best for me?

I went back a week later to make the deal on the corolla I hated, the salesman was busy, so I wandered around with my Dad and lingered by the Matrix. I hated the thought of being stuffed into the awful 4 door family nightmare against my will. My Dad said "why don't you get the Matrix?" Why don't I get the Matrix???? It hadn't occured to me, the salesman hadn't given me the choice, could I really just walk in and buy the car I actually want??
Apparently.
So I did.

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungsI just found out there's no such thing
as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I definetly had different expectations for my life, I didn't expect to be 27 on the edge of divorce, living in a garage, working part time in retail. Is this real life? Pretty real.

They love to tell you

Stay inside the lines

But something's better

On the other side

Perhaps if I had spent less time worrying what others thought..... of me, my husband, my life, my choices, I would have been able to focus on the important things.... me, my husband, my life, my choices.

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion

I'm gonna bust down the double doors

And when I stand on these tables before you

You will know what all this time was for

I have my 10 year reunion in a week.
Friends keep asking me what I am going to wear.

Probably jeans.

happy birthday geek 

I don't want to do dishes.

I don't have to do dishes.

It's my house.

I'm not even going to clean my room.

I'm going to eat chocolate cheesecake instead.