Just under the surface....

This is more than I would usually blog about, but Michelle expressed today her personal struggles and questioned why everyone else seems to be holding it together when faced with adversity. I have never felt the need to blog any of this, and can only say that I do now b/c I'm fairly sure she is not the only one who has questioned her faith, or felt inadequate as a wife, mother or christian. Perhaps a little honesty about what goes on under the surface, would remind us that it is only by the grace of God......

1 week before my wedding 8yrs ago I found myself incredibly ill, unable to eat, having panic attacks, stomach pains, etc. The doctors could not figure out what was going on and thought perhaps I had an ulcer. The day before the wedding we called it off and then put it back on again, we did however cancel our Honeymoon in the Carribean. I remember waking up the morning off my wedding absolutely miserable, I cried b/c it was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was so ill. I made it to the wedding, and we planned a less exciting, but still nice honeymoon to Whistler. It wasn't the honeymoon I had imagined, I was a mess, I had panic attacks and could hardly bring myself to smile at my new husband. I was devastated, so was he. I would often excuse myself to the bathroom and just pray that I could just go out and smile and enjoy my honeymoon and be a good wife. I prayed, I cried, I screamed, but I could not climb out of the pit. Things were not going the way I had desperately wanted. My family doctor diagnosed me with depression, and I declined to take medication. My husband kept suggesting I see someone, I refused. How devastating it was for him to have his new bride crumble this way.

It's fair to say that was the beginning of the end. Although by the time I had Andrew the depression was gone, the effects of that first year would never go away. We started growing apart the moment we said "I do".
It wasn't all bad, we had happy times and we were good friends, but it certainly wasn't what it should have been.

I started praying for our marriage about a year before it ended. Begging and pleading God to bring us to another level, to restore our marriage.
Trouble hit, and though it wasn't a huge shock, I figured we'd work through it. I was convinced that it was the answer to my prayer. Hard times that would serve in the end to bring us closer and restore our marriage to what it should be.

I was wrong. I was stunned.

We worked at it for 5 months. I cannot say that I did everything perfectly that summer, but my intentions were good. I tried and failed, and tried and failed more times than I can count. The thing is, life doesn't give you a handbook on how to deal with these situations, you pretty much have to guess, unfortunetly I may have guessed wrong.

My husband left last Sept, I watched as he packed his bag and walked out the door, I didn't try to stop him. A few months later he took off to Mexico with his new girlfriend. I was devastated. I didn't let him see it.

I felt so inadequate as a wife and a partner, I didn't snowboard or bungy jump or go to parties...she did. She was fun and exciting and all the things I'm not. That hurts pretty bad.

I felt so inadequate as a christian, I had prayed and prayed, but God did not hear my cry. I began to think that maybe I just didn't have enough faith.

It's been a hard year. So much has changed. I have had to make so many decisions on my own, admittedly some of them have been wrong.

I have cried myself to sleep on countless occasions, I have screamed and thrown things, I have crumpled into a ball on the floor, I have questioned who I am, and every choice I have ever made. I have yelled at God, and questioned why he is allowing my child to be raised in a broken family. I have wondered what I have done to deserve this, and how much more I can really handle.

The truth comes down to this, we are all just one desicion away from becoming an addict.
Seriously.

Am I holding it together any better than someone else? Probably not. Have I thought about drowning the pain? Yes, I certainly have. What keeps me from a breakdown? Not really sure. Would it be so bad if I had a breakdown? No, it really wouldn't.

Am I any less of a person because I once struggled with depression? because I made wrong choices on how to handle it? because sometimes I question God? Am I any less valuable because I have screwed up more times than I can count? because my husband left? because somedays it's a struggle to get out off bed? because sometimes I question what the point of it is?


I have a hard time with people who are obviously struggling and spew out some godly words that sound good and sound faithful and courageous, because they believe that as a christian it would be wrong to admit that we doubt, that we question, that we blame....

Does God really want us to be that fake? Is that really depending on him when we lie to ourselves and to Him about how we are feeling?

Let's just be honest and admit we don't like ourselves sometimes, that we blame ourselves, that we wonder what our purpose is.

We've all been there Michelle, in fact, I think alot of us are there right now.