just me...

The world has an interesting view on my situation.

Slowly people at work are finding out that I'm separated and many ask me outright about it. I try not to dive into too many details and I try not to say anything bad about my husband b/c despite everything I still think he's a good person....but the response I get from almost everyone goes something like this....
"One day he'll come to his senses and come back, but by then it will be too late b/c you will have met someone who thinks your fabulous and it will be his loss"

What I find interesting about these comments is 1) that people assume I am anywhere near ready to be in relationship b) that my self esteem and happiness depends on finding a guy who thinks I'm fabulous c) that I could so casually throw away a relationship as serious as a marriage with a "his loss" attitude.

I have some friends who started taking me out right after John left, they figured the best way to get over him was to meet someone else. I am absolutley baffled as to how jumping into another realtionship 2 weeks after my husband leaves is healthy??

My self esteem does not come from a man, a relationship or even the roles I play in life, my self worth can not be measured by the amount of hugs I recieve, or the number of "I love you's" I get. Nothing makes me feel better than when my son curls up on my lap and tells me he loves me, but do I judge my worth on that? honestly?.....sometimes.
It's dangerous, it's denial, it's alot of things but it's not healthy.

If John doesn't come back....I hope that one day I will find someone to share my life with, but until I'm okay with me, just me ... with life, relationships and roles all striped away, I don't think I want it.

Me, my garage and I

have you ever seen the show "me, my house and I?" It's a decorating show about a standup comedian who takes on home improvement projects on her own, usually discovering she's bitten of more than she can chew ..... it's kind of how I picture Lori when she tears out walls in her house - safety googles, big hammer, a couple of smart reamarks.....

I have a confession to make. My little cabin is not so much of a cabin as it is ....well...it's really a garage. Yes I said garage. I realized people were getting the wrong idea when I mentioned I was moving into a cabin, everyone was saying "oh, how nice, it must be cozy", "is it a log cabin?". I think people had visions of me sitting on covered porch with a glass of wine gazing out over a peaceful lake watching the sun go down.

Not so much.

Don't get me wrong, it's cute, it's cozy, but it is a garage. So this will be my saga...filled with stories of making the garage a home. Stay tuned for scenes fromm the next episode....

the ledge..

From the time I was 8 I had wanted to be a missionary in Africa. I had it all planned out and I recently found the maps and life plan I drawn up at the age of 12.
Fear held me back and I never actually went. Life plans changed and I got married young. We had talked about going on a missions trip for 6 months, my husband said he would put the career on hold for a bit. He was offered a great job shortly after we were married, one we couldn't pass up. So we settled into life. I don't regret getting married, I have (had) a wonderful, amazing husband and a beautiful son....a great life. Perhaps there was part of me that secrelty longed for more adventure. I was learning to be content with where I was, to appreciate the life I had.
One night last spring I was walking home from the corner store to our new house, I knew my husband and son were there and my sister and her kids all waiting in the backyard. As I made my way up the driveway I breathed in the fresh beautiful spring air and thought to myself "I love my life" it was a real, honest moment. It was followed by the thought "whoever loves his life shall lose it..."
It was mere hours later that my world was rocked....

It's been a rollercoaster the last 10 months. Learning to adjust, have faith, yet let go all at the same time. I made the desicion to buy an apartment, my first major desicion to make on my own in 7 1/2 yrs. I felt good about it, was happy with it. Then....the fire.

Sushi once wrote about God not letting her stay on the plateau...that's definetly how I'm feeling right now. However a nice stable ledge halfway up might not be so bad..??..

So, another new plan. No apartment, no soaker tub. Instead a cute rustic cabin in the country (we all know I'm a country girl at heart). I think I'll get settled and spend some time with me and God, then move on to the next adventure.

. 

this is me at the beginning of the day while I was still optomisitc! - more pics of me actually on the board to follow.... 

Stupid holidays

Valentines Day....
Didn't give it much thought, decided not to dwell on it too much today. But now that the kid's in bed and I'm settling in to watch TV for the evening, I have discovered there is not much on, unless you want to watch the Bachlorette. Yes, that's how I want to spend Valentine's Day, watching some guy get his heart stomped on by a gorgeous blonde....
actually....come to think of it, that might be somewhat entertaining!
I'm breaking out the chocolate as we speak.

9:22
okay, that lasted 5 mins. GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!!!!

"Oh whats-your-name, I've known you for 20mins, but it feels like a lifetime......I don't know your last name, or where you live or what your favourite color is, but I believe you're my soulmate! I will die if you don't give me a rose....just die....wither and die....."

PUL-EEZE!!!!!!

I'm breaking out more chocolate.

Plan B

The building is pretty much destroyed (as those of you who have driven by or seen the news would know).....My realtor is getting me out of the deal as we speak. She doesn't want to see me getting into the situation, and quite frankly neither do I.
So, it's time for plan B, not sure what that is but I have 6 weeks to figure it out.
I'm a little sad about the soaker tub though.....

the burning bush...errr...apartment

God's speaking.
I'm not sure what he's saying.
The building where I just purchased an apartment went up in flames last night.
Not sure what that means.
It looks like about 6 units at the front are toast (quite literally). I'm in the back and the unit above mine has the roof caved in. So I'm thinking at minimum there is smoke and water damage.
Hmmm....still not sure what to do with this information.


Yep, I'm really at a loss for words......

owwww......

'nuff said.

~whimper~

	Friend Bear You are everyone's ideal friend because you are sincere and genuinely kind. Sometimes you worry about your friends' problems so much, you forget about your own responsibilities, which can get you into trouble. For you, it's the little things that really count. You also happen to be the main driver of the Cloud Car. No speeding!
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

22hrs and counting.....

Tommorrow's the big day.....
My first time snowboarding .... ever.
I'm trying to come up with a good excuse not to go. Can't seem to come up with one.
I'm not sure I want to back out though, it would be very typical of me and I'm tired of being typical me. So as freaked out as I am, I won't back out. I probably won't sleep tonight either b/c I'm having just a bit of anxiety at the thought of strapping a board to my feet and being pushed off a mountain!
Perhaps I didn't think this one through?

have I gone mad?

So, now that life is moving forward I have decided I need to step out of my comfort zone a bit. Fear of ...everything... has held me back from really having fun. I have decided to try things once and, if I hate it I won't do it again. Take a risk, take a dive, take a plunge. (take a tylenol)

Side note here - I was saying to a coworker, how I need to take more risks. He told me that he would never walk the streets of Mission at night talking to drug addicts in back alleys, interesting that it doesn't scare me, maybe I have more guts than I thought

Anyway, back to the point...last summer I was dragged kicking and screaming (okay, more like whimpering and complaining) on a white water rafting trip. Huge step for me as I am terrified of water, I don't even let the water on my face when I shower. The guide thought it would be really funny to put me in the very front of the boat - talk about facing your fears head on!

Now I have been signed up against my will to go paintballing - no fear associated with that one, just something I would not normally do, which made me think, maybe that's why I should do it.

And finally a coworker is going to take me snowboarding. This is huge for me. I have been avoiding it for years for various reasons - I hate being cold, I hate falling, I hate feeling out of control, I'm convinced I won't actually be able to do it, I had a boyfriend ditch me on the mountain while trying to teach me to ski, there is too much pressure to actually be good and enjoy it. So I decided, forget all that, I'll give it a try and if I hate it, I'll spend the rest of the day in the Lodge drinking hot chocolate, nothing wrong with that. And no marriages will be destroyed b/c of one day on the mountain.

Next on the list...skydiving, a tatoo and Africa!
Stand back...here I come, there's no stopping me now!

6 degrees of separation

I discovered something weird this morning. While reading a friend's blog (a friend with no connection to new heights.... other than me of course :) I clicked on a link to one of her friend's blogs (a friend I don't know and have never met) On that blog there was a link called "Mandy". I thought "wouldn't that be weird if it was our Mandy?" But I figured the chances of that were slim, so I clicked. Turns out it is our Mandy. How weird. Small world.

The art of picking (err, smashing) a lock....

My talented brother-in-law just left after a lengthy battle with the storage room lock. It looked for a minute that the lock would win, but with perserverance Dennis claimed victory!
He started off with the traditional butterknife in the door, which quickly turned into a butter knife, steak knife and filet knife all in the door. But alas the door would not budge. His diligent assistant, 10yr old Matthew, was convinced that breaking the door down was the best option. I don't think 10yr olds grasp the concept that it costs money to replace a door. A door that won't even be mine in 2 months.

After the realization that the butterknife in the door was not going to work, my never-say-die brother popped the pins out of the hinges, but again...he was faced with an obstacle. The hinged were enginered so as to not come apart from that angle.

After replacing the pins, it was time to bring out the big guns. I think Matthew would have been thrilled to bring out the chainsaw and rip the door to pieces...but Dennis chose instead to pull out the hammer. Three whacks and the door knob broke off.....Success!!
And we didn't have to tear down any walls, which was next on the list.

Thank you Dennis for freeing the packing boxes!!!

finally...out of soap.

shortly after I got married, I began stocking up on household items. The main one being bars of ivory soap, not really sure why, but my mom shopped in bulk so I just picked up the habit. I went a little crazy one month, and I remember John remarking how we weren't going to have to buy soap for years. He was right, that was 6yrs ago.
Tonight I started the clean sweep of the bathrooms. I was dismayed to discover I only have 1 bar of soap left. I haven't bought soap in 6yrs, how am I going to remember to buy it now?

Out of the mouths of babes...

I just tucked Andrew into bed...this is how his prayer went:
"Jesus, Father, have a great day (thank you for a great day)...welcome for (thank you for) John and Carolyn and Sean from Magiccuts who cut my hair. Amen"

sigh....

time to relax, everything finally went through...it was one of those 11th hour things, with backup plans in place in case anything went wrong. I just signed all the papers...the apartment is officially mine, the house is officially sold...life is officially moving on.
Andrew asked his dad to live with us in the apartment, he had to explain why he couldn't. It broke my heart, life's just not fair. But then I guess no one promised it would be.
So we'll reorganize, declutter, get rid of some unneeded things and move to the next phase of our lives, not sure what that is but it will be an adventure. Someone who cares about me very deeply is encouraging me to travel, go to Africa before I settle into the mundane business of society, to take a risk ... Just do it, take the road less travelled....
I have to figure out how to do that with a 4yr old. I need to have an established life here for him, but I also need to fullfill some dreams (callings?) of my own, how do I do that? I don't think I'll worry about that tonight...I think I'll draw a hot bath and rest knowing it's in God'd hands and in his timing.

moving day(s)

Moving day is April 1st! (it's a friday) but I don't have to be out until the 2nd, so I can spread it out over 2days.