. 

I used to think love was a choice...that you woke up every morning and chose to love the person next to you, even when you didn't feel like it. I'm not sure I hold that belief anymore.
I think love is irrational, I think love is that feeling that no matter how badly you have been wronged you can't stay angry. It's not a pathetic-whiny-i'll-die-if-I-can't-have-you-in-my-life feeling, it's knowing that even though you can't have that person in your life, you still forgive and respect and cherish them, even when they hurt you.
Love's not a choice, love hits you like a semi-truck, sometimes more subtle than that, like a pickup truck or a volkswagon bug, but it hits you just the same. Sometimes when you least expect it.

I'm off to work...bring on the boxing day sale :( yuck.

strange christmas lyrics...

"the logs on the fire, fill me with desire..."

what the..??

apparently Jesus told Andrew he (andrew) could look after his cat. (that would be Jesus' cat)

Life is made up of meetings and partings, that is the way of it. - kermit the frog, as Bob Crachet in a Muppet Christmas Carol

Remember: the mightiest oak was once a little nut that held it's ground.

The other day Andrew asked me a question that I didn't know how to answer, I told him to ask his dad. He replied "Dad doesn't know everything......but mom's and teachers are smart".
He's such a good kid.

'tis the season

I used to like Christmas, now I work in retail.
Peace and Goodwill - what a joke!
The store is packed, "winter wonderland" is playing over and over again, only by different artists with different styles, jazz, punk, scottish....
Kids are crying "I want barbie!" "Maybe santa will bring it for you" "I want it now" then the screaming starts.
People are testing out stereos (on top of the christmas music) with a little hip hop and funk.
Customers in your line are rolling their eyes because they have to wait 5 mins for their turn.
Uuuggghhhh.....
I think I'll call in uniterested.
I don't think the boss will be too understanding.
I can't wait till January. (make that February, January is the season of returns)

Thank you

Thank you James, for posting my picture! You're awesome!

skid marks

I got to work a little cranky today. (you can ask my sisters about my crankiness, they'll fill you in) One of my favourite coworkers passed me his business card just after I remarked "this life sucks". He told me to put in the pocket of my work pants so I would always have it with me at work. I flipped it over and read....

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thouroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ....
WOW! What a ride!"

Amen!!

church burning

I saw on the news the other night that Olivet Mennonite church went up in smoke last weekend. I went to school with a few people who attended that church, I remember as a teenager going to a youth events there, I remember as an adult listening to my best friends little brother preach his first sermon there. It's amazing how a church becomes more than just a place to warm a pew on sunday morning, it becomes part of your life.

A few years ago I sat in a large church in Abbotsford remebering walking across the stage at my graduation with six dear friends, I remebered a few years later watching 2 of those dear friends walk down the aisle to that stage to start a new life... and as I sat there with my 6 dear friends reflecting, we said goodbye to one of our children. That church, although it's not my home, represents milestones in our lives, joy and struggles and the support of amazing friends.

I'm sure there was a sense of sadness as the congregation watched their beloved church burn, but sometimes it's in the ashes that God refines and purfies and rebuilds.

yesterday I finished up a 43hr work week. yesterday I got to work and wondered how I would make it through an 8hr day without a breakdown. yesterday I stood in the change room before my shift praying for strength to fight the exhaustion. yesterday my coworkers kept me smiling, yesterday the line ups were so long that 8hrs flew by. yesterday God heard my prayers.

today I slept in, today I had coffee with the generation before and the generation after. today I worked towards accomplishing some goals. today I found rest. today I found comfort. today God answered my prayer.

tommorrow I will go to work. tommorrow I will start the whole process again. tommorrow I will be tired. tommorrow I will be frustrated. but tommorrow I will find rest. tommorrow God will still be there.

wired

it's 10:30 at night and I just got home from work, i haven't even taken off my uniform yet, I have to be back at the store in 10hrs.... and I have the urge to paint!!! I totally want to whip out the brushes and rollers and get that 5th coat of red paint on the walls!!
I'm sure I'd regret it in the morning though...I hate having to be responsible. I should go to bed :(

Ironic

I dragged my friend Taneane to the Christmas parade on friday night. We walked down from 7th in the pouring rain. But I was determined not to miss the parade.
What did I learn from the annual fan fair? That Grabba Java now has gift cards and I that I can get a custom website designed for only $179.99. About 3 floats into the parade I looked at Taneane and said "this parade is just one big advertisement."
But I love it still.....
In between the billboards were pockets of christmas spirit. Kids in angel costumes, singing carols, lights, community spirit, worship, rock and roll. I love it all.

On the trek back up to 7th we witnessed a man trying to cross a road, apparently the oncoming car didn't take notice of his efforts and nearly hit him. The man raised his fist and screamed "Jesus Christ" and stormed off. Ironic. I thought to myself "Merry Christmas to you too".

My hope is that somewhere in all of this mayhem and excitment of Christmas people will stop and ask themselves why we do it. Why are having parades, and turkey and gifts? The man crossing the road seemed to know.

VISION
- the ability to see a positive outcome even when things aren't looking so good.

The pox

we're bored.

Andrew has chicken pox, so we are confined to the house and we're bored. I just gave Andrew a measuring tape and he's walking around measuring everything he can find. I hope this keeps him occupied for a while. I SO want to go to Tim Hortons for a cheese biscuit. Life's rough. We're bored.
Maybe we'll start working on those homemade decorations. Any suggestions for empty toilet paper rolls, string and pink straws? That's about all we got.

Just Christmas

I have opted not to go into the crawl space. I have also opted not to bribe or guilt anyone into going into the crawlspace for me.
I think I want a quiet, subdued Christmas. Before anyone jumps on my back let me just state that I am not depressed, I am not dreading Christmas, I'm not sad or lonely or apathetic (maybe just pathetic). I just don't think I want all the fuss this year. I'm pretty happy with my one string of lights and the wreath on the door. I am also thinking of cutting down a live tree. (no, I haven't lost my mind). Think about how fun a memory that will be for Andrew, remembering the year mom went out and chopped down a tree! Not a big one, just a little 4 1/2 footer. And I'll get Andrew to make the decorations. It will probably be the craziest little tree, but it will be ours. I think that might be all I need this year. No tinsel, no extra lights, or dicken's villages.....just Christmas. Sweet Christmas.

cari on a cold wet roof

I haven't yet worked up the courage to go into the crawl space and retrieve my christmas decorations. It's dark down there, and there are spiders. I remember after my husband put them away last year he came back up with cobwebs all over his back and in his hair. It wasn't pretty, and I'm not sure I'm ready to go there yet.
So I decided instead to tackle the christmas lights. I come from an anxiety ridden family, so I was given clear instructions that if I was going to go on the roof I needed to call someone to let them know. That way if I fell off someone would know to come looking. I've been working so much that the fear was if I fell of the roof and no one heard from me in two days they would all just say "she must be working".
I called Liz at 8:30 this morning to tell her I was going up, she said she would come by in an hour if she hadn't heard from me. I grabbed the ladder and out I went. Going up a ladder is not a big deal for me, going down is another story. When I was young I had to be rescued more than once from Jenn's treehouse because I would find myself suddenly paralyzed with fear at the thought of going down the ladder. And in Costa rica I had no trouble zipping through the rain forest on a cable, but that 5 foot ladder between platform had me shaking with fear.
So up I went, spied on the neighbours a bit, and set to work. No problem.
Then it was time to go down, I stood there staring at the ladder, somewhat freaked out. Please note that I live in a rancher and I was maybe 8ft off the ground. Pretty stupid. I sucked it up and down I went. But I can't help but wonder, did I have a ladder incident when I was young that I'm not remembering.??
Next challenge.....the crawl space. Then again...do we really need a christmas tree this year??

he provides, I complain

I went into work this morning to pick up my schedule for the next 2 weeks. I grumbled as I looked it over. I am working 14 out of the next 16 days. Andrew had wanted to go on play dates, there were friends I wanted to visit, decorations to put up, cookies to bake (oh, who I am kidding, cookies to buy). Instead I am going to spend my christmas season pretending to care if customers want matte or glossy finish on their prints. With a fake smile plastered on my face and using my customer service voice which in no way resembles my just woke up don't mess with me voice.
After bitching and complaining (I just swore on my blog, is that allowed? it's my blog so who cares!) I got out the calculator and punched in a few numbers. Maybe working so much isn't so bad..... I was begining to stress about how to pay for christmas presents and christmas parties etc. but it doesn't look so bad now.
God's probably so frustrated with me...here he is giving more than I expected and I complain about not getting to sleep in.

life is like a box of chocolates

exactly 12hrs left of being 26. Not sure why turning 27 is such a big deal .... maybe I'm just mature for my age, so it's really like I'm turning 30. (how can you argue with logic like that?)

exactly 7 yrs ago today my husband proposed. If we only knew then....
A co-worker of mine who turned 19 three weeks ago got married on Sat. It's hard to feel excited for her. I find it interesting that we all put on happy faces and say "Congratulations", "I'm so happy for you" etc. etc. when all of us married people know the realities of marriage, but no one wants to share them, we wouldn't want to rain on their parade. Let's get real, marriage isn't easy.... anyone who tells you it is, is lying to themselves or to you. That's not say marriage can't be wonderful, but really 60yrs with the same person, at some point one or both of you is going to want to bail. No one tells you you won't always be in love, no one tells you you won't always be best friends. Maybe it's time to start sharing that information...

I hope I don't sound too cynical .... I don't know that I really am. I just know that life can't be neatly wrapped up in a ring box. A chocolate box... maybe.

the smell of christmas

As I stepped out of the shower this morning, I was met with an overpowering smell, sweet, yet earthy. It reminded me of Christmas. It took me a minute to recognize it.
I looked out the window and saw Mario pruning the cedar hedges. The smell of fresh cut cedar was invading the house.

Mario's the gardener (okay, really he's just hired to prune the hedges, as independant as I want to be, I'm not ready to stand on a ladder with a chainsaw.) Mario wants to do something artsy with my spruce tree in the front yard, make it into a topiary or something....I politley passed.

I love Christmas, the smell of shortbread and christmas oranges, and christmas trees. It's tempting to run outside and scoop up the clipping just to fill the house with that wonderful scent!

girl party

okay, so we are having a Mary Kay party for my birthday on Thursday. I know what you are thinking....mary kay??? But really, it is very casual and Kim will be teaching us about eye makeup I think....and there will be cake.
It's on Thursday the 25th 7:30 at Kim's (I'll get the address and directions later). Just come out and have fun, eat cake, don't worry about buying anything, just think of it as a birthday party for a girl who has had a hard time the last few months and deserves a little fun (do you like how I pulled the guilt card there? pretty clever, eh? how can you say no now?)

this one's for the girls....

I have 6 friends from highschool that I still keep in touch with on a regular basis. Years ago someone close to me told me it wouldn't last, we'd lose touch, that's what happens when you grow up. I am so proud of us that we have so far defied the odds....we have been through so much together, family illness, graduations, boyfriends, 5 marriages, 6 births, new jobs, first homes, loss of loved ones, seperation.... the list goes on.
what I find amazing is that we are 7 completely different people, with 7 completely different opinions, and yet we find comfort in each other. We have discovered that maybe we have more in common than we thought.
Thank you girls for your strength, wisdom, patience and love.

I am so blessed to have such wonderful women in my life!

countdown...

5 days till to go before I hit the big 2 7. I know, I shouldn't be complaining, I still get IDed occassionally. It's just that much closer to 30!
(I should put some kind of disclaimer on this blog as I know I may be recieving some hate mail, especially from my dear friend Taneane who is almost 2yrs older and will be hitting 30 long before me - she's already annoyed that I'm only 27.)

When I was 12 my best friend and I made a pact to meet Dec.31 1999 at 3:00 at Sevenoaks mall. We figured we'd be 22, and have lost touch and we would be able to catch up and share all the exciting stories of what we had done with our lives. I'd drop everything and come home from Africa and we would meet, even if Sevenoaks wasn't there anymore we'd meet at the spot where it once stood. We were young, we thought life would be more exciting, we craved adventure. As it turns out we had talked on the phone a few weeks before the scheduled meeting, when we met we chatted abit, not much to catch up on....not much at all. So here I am 5 years later, if we were to meet in the mall again, we probably wouldn't have much to say. No wild adventures, no exciting news, same old, same old. I'm not sure I want to settle for that. We could have crammed alot into 15yrs, but we didn't. How will I spend the next 15yrs? When I'm 39, will I have an amazing story to tell? I hope so.

question

So here's my question today - I would love to know what everyone thinks.
Years ago I had a conversation with someone who worked at camp with me, he asked why I had come to camp to work that summer and I replied that God had lead me there, he had opened doors and made it clear that I was supposed to be there. He had a different opinion (imagine, 2 christians with differing opinions, shocking really) He felt that we made our own desicions and that if we were obedient God would honour us in the path that we chose. So...which is it...does God determine our path and there is really only 2 choices, God's way or our way. Or are there many paths that are okay for us to choose from and God will be faithful if we love him, no matter which way we decide to go?

2 thoughts for the price of 1

thought #1
scott had a wow blog about death a few days ago. It was ironic how relevant that was on that day. I had had a conversation with a friend who had lost his mother a few years ago and I was telling him how I hadn't yet lost anyone really close to me. I am dreading that day. He questioned how if I was a christian and believed in the afterlife I could be sad about losing someone, shouldn't I be happy that they were in heaven and have peace knowing that I will see them again someday?
I was searching for an answer to that one, the only thing I could think of was that we are not superhumans, we are wired up with all kinds of emotions, joy, fear, pain, sorrow...... it's not wrong to feel those things. As Scott said we are stuck here on earth and we miss them, as much as we know we will see them again we are here in this reality trying to cope. We aren't super humans, I think christians forget that, we don't let ourselves feel things like pain and anger because we think it's wrong.
thought # 2
this friend has never been to church and said that he will probably never step into a church (except for the odd wedding or funeral). He wasn't too keen on the whole everyone-get-together- in-sunday-clothes-and-sing-happy-songs-together-can't-you-feel-the-love idea. This sounded like a challenge to me - apparently he's never been to New Heights!!
Here's the issue this friend is a guy and with everything going on in my life I can only imagine the rumours that would fly if he came to church. So my point is... how sad is it that I feel I can't share this exciting church with someone because my life is fish bowl and I'm more worried about what people would say than this friends chance to hear an amazing message...
Just some thoughts.

too much tv

Andrew forgot his toothpaste at his dad's, so I handed him my Crest with whitening to use instead...he looked at the tube, looked up at me and said "how many days till I get whiter teeth?". oh brother.

call display

I'm one of those people who can't handle not knowing who that missed call was from. *69 is my best friend. Unfortunelty, it's proven to be an expensive relationship.
So I went out last week and bought my first phone with call display. How I lived before this I will never know. I love being able to see who's calling before I answer (yes, I'm a screener)....it's proven to be very useful already as I've managed to dodge several calls from work.

I wonder if God has call display? "Oh, it's Carolyn again, and she's whinning........I'll just let the machine get it"

If I was God, I'd have call display.....

sign of the times...

this morning when Andrew crawled into bed with me, I asked him if he had had any dreams last night, he replied "no, I just had a commercial...."

how hard can it be?

so last night I heard the familiar gurgle of the bowl. Feeling quite confident with my new found plumbing skills I strolled into the bathroom, grasped the handle firmly and and gave it a hard determined jiggle. I then walked out, confident the problem was solved. 5 mins later a sound caught my ear and I leaned my head through the bathroom door, quite perplexed at the sound of running, gurgling water. Time for more drastic measures. I again grabbed the handle, said a few colorful words and showed it who was boss. Another five minutes passed and still the bowl kept bubbling and rising.
I squared my shoulders...this toilet was not going to get the best of me. It was time to take the lid off the tank. With both hands on the lid, I counted to three and pulled it off. Here's a life lesson, when removing a lid from a toilet tank do NOT lean in right away to see what the problem is. A shot of disgusting toilet water sprayed me directly in my eye. I'm thinking that's probably not good, and definelty not normal. I reattached the hose to the thing-a-jig, but the water kept coming. So, being a smart as I am I ran to the other toilet to see what the inner workings of a functioning toilet looked like and copied it. Time for the test. I pushed the handle a little cautiously at first, then I heards the glorious sound of the flush. I had won! I beat the toilet! I passed the first test of singleness! Victory was mine! What a beautiful sound, what a ......what the??? ....what was that noise? The gurgle was back...I dropped to my knees, "NOOOOO..." rushed from my lips. It can't be, it was. The chain from the stopper had unattached and gone down. I tried to pull it up, but it was stuck. I pulled and I cursed and it wouldn't budge. The water kept coming. I hung my head in shame, kneeled on the floor took a deep breath and turned off the water. Toilet 1 .... Cari 0.

I called a friend after the incident. She started talking about how things were connected in the toilet and what thing-a-ma- jig did what. I realized she was a pro, she had had years of experience with these things. She is a single mom, works two jobs, has an old car that just broke down, can't afford much for herself. She is an amazing woman. I don't consider myself a single mom, I can't complain, I am being more than taken care of and supported while I try to become more self sufficient and I am so grateful for that. But I applaud those women who have had to go it alone, who have had to give up everything to raise their children. They are absolutley extraordinary and deserve so much respect.

God's plan for growth, never the way we want it!

so a few weeks ago just after my husband moved out, my sister and I were in the garden store doing some shopping thereapy when I came across a beautiful flowering indoor tree. They had one on sale for 10 bucks, so I thought how can I go wrong? The one I picked looked more like a shrub than a tree so I asked if I could prune it so it looked more tree like. The garden store lady said that would be fine. I decided to call it the "my husband left me flowering tree". I brought it home, repoted it, fertilized it and most importantly pruned to look like a tree.

It's been 2 weeks....the flowers have wilted and the leaves are falling off (is this a bad sign if the "my husband left me flowering tree" dies?) I was starting to get a little discouraged when I noticed yesterday that there is tons of new growth, all of it at the bottom where I had pruned it.

Aparently it wants to be a bush, not a tree.

hold onto your hats, we're in for a wild ride!

I'm laughing right now because I just posted a blog about adjusting to life on my own, meanwhile I am listening to my toilet gurgle. I just went to check on it and it's bubbling and belching, so I jiggled the handle - I don't know what this does, but I heard someone say something about it before, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm thinking this new life is going to be one interesting adventure!
If anyone has any advice for my gurgling toilet pls feel free to pass it on. Wish me luck as I dive into independent life!

he took the x-box, it must be serious

so I'm adjusting to life on my own now....it's been really odd. This weekend Andrew went to stay with his dad from friday to sunday, it was weird to come home from work to an empty house, well not completely empty, the dog left me a present to show her displeasure at being left alone. It was weird to be woken up at 9:00am by the sun instead of at 6:30 by the chatterbox.
This will definetly take some getting used to, but one thing I know is that I can't sit and wallow, or become useless, or empty. If ever there was a time to live, and to dance....it's now.

While watching Oprah one day (yes, I watch Oprah occasionally) I heard the story of a lady who had been terribly disfigured in a fire. Oprah had asked if she ever cried about it, the lady replied that her sister had given her this advice - allow yourself 5 minutes a day to have a pity party, then dry your eyes and get on with life (I may have paraphrased a bit). Good advice though...

I posted this once, and though I had always seen this little face peeking OUT at me, someone commented that they felt that they were secretly hiding and this little face was peeking IN at them. It's all in your perspective I guess. 

because I am

today I went downtown to take pics of the staff at newheights. I had one who won't smile, one who can't act natural and one who thinks it would be funny if they streaked. I think it was worse then taking pictures of kids!
I haven't taken pictures in months...since I got "the job". I realized how much I miss it. Maybe that's my dance. Maybe that's what makes me free...to create.

I worked at summer camp many years ago and for skit night a group of us did a dramatic reading of sorts....I don't know quite what it means, never gave it much thought, but it's something to ponder I suppose ( you have to read it slow, it's more dramatic):

I can't do
I be
but when I be
I do
because I am.

hmmmm......

perfection

This morning Andrew and I were up and outside by 8:00am madly raking the grass before the rain hit - (turns out we had plently of time since it didn't start till 4:00pm.)
We had a great time though...the sky was blue and cloudless, the air was crisp. Within 20mins the fog rolled in, and Andrew pointed out it was getting soggy (he's having trouble with the word foggy) .
We watched a bluejay having breakfast in the apple tree, discovered spiderwebs wet with dew. It was a great morning, like the perfect childhood embodied in one misty morning...
Andrew talked about Jesus.

I remember a few years ago thinking to myself with a smile "this child is perfect". I was well aware of his misbehaviours and stubborn streak, but even with that knowledge he was perfect in my eyes. It then occured to me that this is how God sees us, fully aware of our imperfections, yet he loves us so much that to him we are perfect.

i have a 4yr old.

he was a quiet child for the first three years of his life. Then something happened. He woke up one morning in June of 2003 and started talking, he hasn't stopped since. Every morning he crawls in to bed with me and I take a deep breath because I know what is coming......and then it starts, a little slow at first and then it builds...."muuummmm...." and then it's pedal to the metal all day, with hardly a breath in between. Today at the gas station I was pumping gas and I had rolled down his window so he wouldn't get hot....all I could hear was the chatter coming from the backseat, I couldn't understand a word he said, but that didn't deter him. I couldn't help but giggle as i thought "this kid never shuts up....."