living in the country isn't so bad....

Life is a train my friends.

Bearing down on you.

You can either turn and run as you see it coming in the distance, or you can grab a chair, crack open a beer (maybe not beer....) and wait for it to hit you.

~ eric foreman, that 70's show.

proud
grandma
moment...

Merry Christmas!

(what's up with this rain?)

Crazy day at work today.
There are six of us in the office, one is retiring tommorrow, one is going on maternity leave in March and the other...the one who knows the most about running the office is 7 months pregnant and has ended up in the hospital and will not be returning to work.
I was jumping in as much as I could, smiling and nodding at the doctors as they relayed information to me, trying not to look like it was all going straight over my head. Then as soon as they turned their backs I would run to one of the other girls and have them explain to me what the freak they were talking about.

We lost 2 patients today.
I don't mean lost as in they had a bad experience and won't be returning, I mean lost as in I turned around and they were gone. I was a little mistified myself. One wasn't my fault. The other...well..... I wasn't ready to take the blame, but apparently b/c I was holding the file, I was responsible (who knew?)
it was one screw up after another for all of us, real steller day at the eye clininc.

It could be worse, I could be working in the Christmas retail nightmare at London Drugs.

I hate when he's right....

I was looking through my inbox for an old email when I came across one from my (ex) husband. He sent it last January and in it encouraged me to take the road less travelled and go to Africa for a month or more. To do what I was called to do, take the opportunity before settling into the mundane business of life.
I'm not sure why I didn't. At the time I didn't want to lose the stability of my job. Looking back I wonder why I didn't travel after we sold the house. I could have gone for a month. I didn't have any financial commitments, I could have easily gotten my job back after.
I was to scared and unsure.
I have now settled into the mundane business of life, with a mortgage and a job. I love my house and think it was a great decision, but really....I had an opportunity and I didn't take it.
Now what?

is it worth it?

driving home today at 6:45, after picking up Andrew from Michelles, 10 hrs after I dropped him off, I wondered if this new job is worth it.
But really what are my options? I'm a single mom with a mortgage and car payments, if I don't work full time, we don't eat.
~sigh~
I realize moms do this all the time, but that doesn't make it any better. Michelle spends more time with Andrew than I do. Thank God for Michelle. But I wish it was me.
I'm thankful I have a job, and a home and a reliable car....but I sure miss my kid.

my mother loves me....

I took a sick day today. You know those days when your body feels like it's been hit by a truck?? I'm having one of those.

My mom brought me shortbread to make me feel better.

Maybe it's not so bad living around the corner from mom!

I took Andrew to Superstore today to buy groceries..I took a little sidetrip through the Christmas aisle.
I must have said something to the effect of "we better get out of here before we get into trouble..." because while looking at candles and debating whether or not I needed them, a small voice informed me we had better not get them because we will get into trouble.
I just had to inquire "in trouble with who?"
"Trouble because we won't have money"
I then got a lecture from my 5 yr old on how I really didn't need the candles and therefor I shouldn't buy them.

He left me a loophole though........
He stated at the end of his rant that they weren't on the list, leaving me to conclude that so long as I put frivilous things on the shopping list, I am free to buy them.
Makes sense to me.

cut my hair.
almost 8 inches...gone.
Feels so good!

A woman was arrested in an airport this week for allegedly trying to open an airplane door in an attempt to step outside for a smoke.
The plane was still in the air.
According to her lawyer, it wasn't her fault as she was drunk.
Apparently she was terrified of flying so she took some sleeping pills, and chased them with some alocohol.
That wasn't enough to calm her apparently, so she decided to go for a cigarette.......

Sometimes in our fear of unknown circumstances, we choose a path that leads to an even more destructive outcome.

Amazing what a coat of paint can do....
I picked an assortment of warm browns and creamy yellows for the walls in my new trailer. But after painting I was quite disappointed, it was looking a little less than inviting. I tried changing the light fixture, that didn't help, I put up a picture to take the focus off the walls, that didn't work.
So I painted the oak firplace, wouldn't you know it...I love the wall color!

the first real day at my new job.....

I got to wear fun shoes and cute clothes.

There is alot of technical stuff that I need to learn,and i'm learning very slowly, so I brought chocolate to distract my coworkers. I may not be smart, but maybe if they are all intoxicated with christmas treats, they might not notice.

Starting to feel like Christmas.
Maybe it's the snow on the mountains or the Canadian Tire commercials.
Whatever it is, I can't wait to string the lights and eat christmas cookies.
And christmas music.....would it be wrong if it were playing in my house right now?

Home Sweet Pineapple

As I brought Andrew home to our new place for the first time 2 weeks ago, he let out a big content sigh from the backseat and said "Home sweet home".
Indeed he was right.
It feels like home. There is still painting and unpacking to do but it feels restful and....settled.
Yes I like this feeling, of being in a cozy house at night, a house that is ours. A place to put things.
It's nice after a year to finally feel at ease again.

Thank you!

By 7pm yesterday I was feeling pretty discouraged...okay, by 4pm I was feeling discouraged. There was still alot to pack and alot to come down and it felt like it was never going to get done. Thankfully my friend Peter was there to keep me motivated (he brought cookies as a bribe). Still with only 2 of us it was a big job. I will admit, Peter did most of the work and I mostly whined. Then at 7:30pm 3 angels appeared. Amazing how much faster things go with 5 people instead of 2. Within an hour they had moved out the majority of the boxes and packed new ones. Thank you first to Peter for all the hard work and encouragement, then Mandy, Jen and Michelle for being my saving grace when I was feeling overwhelmed.
Also a big thank you goes to Mom, Dad, Liz and Jen for the awesome birthday present!

Today is another big day, we have to unload the truck and come back for 1 more load, then take down shelving etc. Even though it's pouring with rain I am optimistic it will get done today!

Thanks again to everyone for their help!

If you are feeling inspired to join the moving party on friday...meet at the Tim Hortons in the Junction friday at 9:00am.

Danea...
I thought you were coming to visit us eskimos in Canada this month.............

5 days to go and my house is a zoo, this is very unusual for me when I move. I am usually packed a month in advance and the boxes are neatly stacked and we are ready to go on a moments notice. This time round I am no where near packed the boxes have created a maze through the house, the dishes are in a dirty pile on the counter, I can't find my kitchen table and the bathroom is filthy.
Perhaps I am just done with all the change this past year, done with the uncertainty, done with the disruption. I wish I could just go to bed tonight and wake up in my new place. I hate asking for help and I hate people seeing the mess and the dirt that has become my home.
I just keep thinking that in 1 week I will be in my own place...how sweet will that be?
I am in the middle of an 8 day work week ending with moving day and I can't seem to get motivated. Sigh. 1 week.

) go to www.google.com
2) type in "failure"
3) press the I'm feeling lucky button (instead of the google search one)
4) Laugh
5) Forward to others before the Google folks fix this!

God is within her,
she will not fall:
God will help her at the break of day.

I hate moving..... 

happy birthday Gracie! 

As much as I appreciate the little soldiers guarding the lego house on the coffee table, there is a reason you have your own room!

they like me, they really, really like me!

So the eye doctor was unphased by my chewed up legs. They have offered me a job I didn't actually apply for. Yeah for me!

I had an interview last night. I had my outfit all planned out. I had bought the cutest chocolate brown suit and matching shoes 2 weeks ago, and hadn't worn it yet. The pants needed to be hemmed, so about 2hrs before the interview I got out my hem tape and iron. I ironed the hem to the right length, checked myself out in the mirror. PDC!! I must say.
I pulled out the pins and trimmed the excess fabric off and decided to run the iron over it one more time. I turned the iron back on to the same setting ran it over the hem and pulled up in horror!
My pants completely melted, all over my iron. There was a huge hole in my brand new pants!!!! I was more than a little choked!
So plan B. I still wanted to wear my brown blazer so I chose I long brown skirt. This would require me to shave my legs. There was one problem.....I had decided to buy a warm waxing kit for my legs, so I was in the process of growing out my leg hair and I neglected to buy razors. I quickly jumped in the bath and discovered I only had the one dull razor left. It was all I had and by now I was only an hour away from interview time. So I had to use it. It was painful....and a little ugly. Nothing like a little razor burn to make a first impression.
I figured I would be sitting behind a table or a desk so it wouldn't be a problem, but when I got there they decided to use the waiting room and pulled up three chairs so we could all sit in a closeknit circle. I couldn't hide my pretty legs!
I'm not sure how the interview went...when I left they said they were doing interviews all week and would get back to me in a few days. They called and left a message at 10:30am this morning(only 14hrs later), I'm not sure that's a good thing. I'm thinking the freakish, red, bleeding legs may have turned them off!

. 

molly's ready to move...... 

Tagged by Shari

"I just don't think I want all the fuss this year"

Instructions are as follows:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

I tag Liz, Jenn, Mom, Kelly, and......

better the cottage where one is merry than the palace where one weeps

I have a flippy calendar that is permanently open to Aug. 7th. The quote on that page is promontly displayed in the kitchen to remind me that it doesn't matter where I live, it's where my heart is that matters. It's hard to keep that in mind as Andrew and I trip over each other in the garage and I can't find a place to put the mail.

Encouraged by Jenn...this is what home means to me.

My home is......
- an adjustment to living on my own, a place of self discovery
- a place where it is safe to be yourself and express yourself
- a place where chocolate is always on hand
- a place to curl up at the end of the day
- a place where small living quarters are just an excuse for more cuddle time
- a place where the cat is queen
- not such a bad place after all!

Kelly tagged me...

Ten Random Things About Me:
1. I live in a garage (but not for long!)
2. my bra and underwear do not always match (shocking, how can I call myself a member of this family?)
3. I love airports
4. my favourite thing to do in the evening is climb under a big pile of blankets and watch the Amazing Race.
5. I can't see my kitchen counter b/c I haven't done dishes in 5 days (or maybe more...)
6. Sometimes I can be a little too honest.
7. I once got suspended from school
8. I have a weakness for purses and bags
9. At this moment I am eating a chocolate brownie for breakfast :)
10. I have my father's sense of humour and my mother's stubborness

Nine Places I've Visited:
1. Costa Rica
2. Barkerville
3. Hawaii
4. Campbell, California
5. Sechelt
6. Winnipeg
7. Cannon Beach , Oregon
8. Houston, Texas (well, just the airport)
9. Calgary

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Go to Africa
2. Go to Egypt
3. Go to Asia
4. take a train ride through the Rockies
5. learn to swim
6. open my own little shop
7. hmmm....that's all I can think of.
8.

Seven Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Accept me for who I am (with all my bad habits and dirty dishes)
2. respect me
3. listen to me
4. Put up with me when I'm grumpy
5. Encourage me
6. Be respectful to others
7. You can never go wrong with chocolate

Six Things I Believe In:
1. God
2. Forgiveness
3. The earth is round
4. I have the best kid ever!
5. True friends always stick around
6. Life begins at conception

Five Things I'm Afraid Of:
1. not being in control
2. Andrew getting hurt
3. snakes
4. heights
5. the unknown - although I'm also kindof intrigued by that as well.....

Four of My Favorite Things in the Bedroom:
1. my bed - so comfy!
2. the picture of Andrew on my wall
3. the headboard I made
4. (that's really all that's in my room)

Three Things I Do Everyday:
1. brush my teeth
2. eat breakfast
3. go to bed

Two Things I Hate:
1. dishonesty, disrespect
2. mushrooms

One person I want to see right now:
1. ANDREW!!

moving up...

Yeah!
It's offficial.
I'm moving from the garage to a trailer - or should I say mobile home?
Yes, if all goes well and the place doesn't go up in flames before the end of October, I will be living 3 houses down from Mom. (she just can't seem to get rid of us!)

I need to start packing......

Yeah!

Engler #3 will be entering the world soon!
Congratulations Alvin and Denise!

Snapshot.....

30 years ago the first digital camera was built.
It weighed 8 pounds and was the size of a toaster.
It took 28mins to capture an image.
Upon seeing the results, the woman who posed for the first portrait declared "I think it needs more work".
Can you imagine if the guy who who invented it got discouraged and quit? How often do we give up because our first attempt doesn't yield the results we were hoping.

Timmy time....

My friend Peter came over and installed Quicken on my computer. It's a great program where you can import your bank account information and then go through each transaction and catorgorize them. This enables you to find out where your money is going....
It would seem a large chunk of mine is going to Tim Hortons. We determined that if I was going to save money I should probably cut out some precious Timmy time.
This was confirmed on Saturday morning while working at the photo counter. Two men came up to drop off their film and exclaimed "It's the Tim Hortons Girl!"
I don't even work there!!

Yeah! First day of Kindergarten! 

maybe we all just have too much time on our hands...

VIOLET You surround yourself with art and music and are constantly driven to express yourself. You often daydream. You prefer honesty in your relationships and belive strongly in your personal morals. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

in all fairness.....here's the scrapbook guru herself. 

my famous friend Danea is so talented, here is more of her amazing work. I hate having my picture taken, but these I really like. Thank you Danea! 

God's Superdogs

we went to the PNE yesterday. ]
Andrew's favourite thing was all the rides he is now big enough to go on.

My favourite event was the SUPERDOGS. It's really the main reason I go. I love the superdogs because it's about mutts. Really we can all relate to the mutt. I'm not a purebred kind of girl. I love that the dogs would rather run on top of the tunnels as opposed to through them or that they escape from backstage and run amuck. I can relate to a mutt.

The SUPERDOGS are mainly rescued dogs, given a second chance. It's really all about redemption, being abandoned, rescued and loved. It's about the underdog (haha...) the forgotten and the imperfect, being loved and accepted for who they are. Given a second chance.

I can relate to a mutt.

. 

this one's for kelly..... 

you're only as old as you feel....

went bowling last night.
my legs are so sore!!!!
when did my body start rebelling like this???

Slugs have a very small world view.

While Andrew and I were camping this week, Andrew discovered a new pet he aptly named Bannana Peel. He was fasinated by the slug and kept putting small rocks and sticks in it's path to see how it would meet each challenge.
From where I stood it seemed obvious that the slug could have saved itself so much trouble if it just moved slightly to the left or right and go around the obstacles. But from the slugs point of view all he could see was the mountain straight ahead, so up and over he'd go.

I can't help but wonder if God stands over us shaking his head, wondering why we don't move ever so slightly to avoid the mountain of trouble ahead of us.

Got increasingly frustrated at work today. My boss left me with the job of pulling all the picture frames and the brackets that hold them off the wall and then putting them all back up again according to the new planogram (big fancy LD word...) .
I pulled them off, and he was going to put them up...... never happened. This left me to work on it today. It's been a 4 day job and it shouldn't have been. Brackets were breaking (causing frames to fall and break), more than half the new frames don't have assigned homes and the guys who sit at their computers and map these things out, don't actually live in reality and don't realize that just b/c it works on paper doesn't mean it will work in real life......it went downhill from there.
I explained to one cutomer this morning that I had a big project ahead of me and pointed to the piles..no, mountains...of frames stacked on the floor. He wished me good luck. Hours later when he returned he felt the need to comment on how it looked like I hadn't made any progress
(is it wrong to swear at customers?)
I was going to leave the finishing touches for the boss man to do in the morning.....then he called in sick. So that means I'm coming back in the morning to do it. I was soooo frustrated. I whined and complained all day. Then I had a rolo Mcflurry, gained a little perspective and headed back my Mt. Everest. I declared to the AVS guys that I was changing my attitude, no longer would I complain, instead I would view it as a challenge, the goal was simple...the frame wall would be done by 9am. (Hmmm... I might have to get there at 6am tommorrow.)
So I left with a new attitude, until at the end of the night when David called the all clear and said we were free to go home and then he added (jokingly) "Except Carolyn, who will be spending the night working on her planogram."
(Is it wrong to swear at coworkers?)

AVS chick

It's official, I'm an AVS chick, apparently we are a rare species.
I had my first shift in the AVS department today (for those of you who don't know, that would be AUDIO VIDEO SYSTEMS.) Steve, don't laugh. Just b/c I have never hooked up my own DVD player doesn't mean I can't.
I set up 2 1/2 tv's today.
The camera manager called me a traitor and said he lost a little respect for me today. Later he came by and said that now that I'm an "AVS chick", I've got a little bit of an attitude. He's just jealous I guess 'cause I get to watch TV all day.
Tommorrow I'm back to being "photo girl" or "picture lady" as the carpet guy calls me.
I'm going to have to choose which department I want to pursue.
Reminds me of a song .... "torn between 2 departments, feeling like a fool......."

obsessive compulsive

The other night I had company over for dinner, after which one of my guests took it upon themselves to do the dishes.
Andrew noticed the next morning that the forks and knives were in the wrong spot, he felt the need to point it out.
This morning I caught him pulling all the forks out of the drawer, I asked him why, he said he was just putting them back in the right place.

Is that normal?

this is Skippy, he came to visit us alot b/c we had the best cheese crackers. 

here we are very proud of our make shift shelter, built with sticks, stolen rope, found bungy cord and lots of inginuity.... 

my friend Gillian and I went camping for a few days at Alouette Lake, here I am holding the stick to prop up the tarp while Gillian plays with the camera.....

In a movie-like world Lori would have flushed the prozac and felt liberated, all the while an inspirational athem of freedom would reverberate in the background, she would watch the pills spin and disapear and never have the desire to go back.

Too bad life isn't like the movies. Really, she watched the pills disapear and felt a little freaked. And rightly so.

I was at work tonight, feeling tired and thinking that if this were a movie I would grab my car keys and walk out the front doors while undoing the top, choking button of my uniform, jump in my car and drive. No one would realize what had happened until they started calling "Carolyn to Photos" and no one came. That inspirational music would play and I would stride out of the store in slow motion. Then it would cut to "1 yr later". And there I would be in my own studio living the dream.

Yeah, life's not like the movies. There are no consequences in movies, no worries about rent or car payments, or needing references to get a job. No day by day struggles, just a subtitled flashing on screen proclaiming "1 yr later", and all is right in the end. How you got there isn't really important.

Life rarely has inspirational background music, uncomfortable situations don't just fade into black, there aren't always happy endings, the bad guy doesn't always get what he deserves, the unpopular teen doesn't go the prom and end up as prom queen.

There is no fast-forward in life, no scene selection....... no pause button.

If only there was a pause button.......

At my highschool renuion 2 weeks ago I had a chance to catch up with an old friend. He was telling me about one of our former classmates that has really grown in the last 10yrs.

He said he "drips with intergrity".

Wow. that's a powerful statement.

I began to think about that description, how every ounce of his character is filled with such integrity that it seeps through and is almost tangible.

I then began to wonder if I can say that about myself, or rather if anyone can really, honestly say that about themselves. Is it possible to drip with intergrity, or are we all really good at putting on the mask of decent morality? We all have little secrets don't we? I suspect those people we have put on pedastels have regrets, remorse and shame just like the rest of us.

And yet I still feel I should strive to be a woman of integrity, despite the shortcomings, mistakes and secrets. To stand strong in my convictions, to not bend my values.....or maybe it's more than that.
Maybe being a person of intergrity is more about acknowledging the failures, accepting them, admitting them and still continuing to move forward despite bad choices, admitting you're human, forgetting the pride......

thoughts?

mediocrity

I'm not scared to fail.
I've done it before.
It's not so bad.

I've heard it said that it's not so much that we are scared to fail, we are scared to succeed.
I have no problem with success.
It wouldn't be so bad.

I'm scared of mediocrity.
Being average. Middle of the road. Just good.
That would be bad.

I have dreams....big dreams.....dreams that seem that they will burst right through my chest if I don't contain them. Ideas and visions and plans. But.......

Before I even picked up my first real camera I had visions of what I wanted to produce. I finally held the camera in my hands and it was as though I was finally given a medium with which to express and capture moments, ideas, color, light. I have yet to make the big step of letting it be my life, because I feel the results have been average, ordinary, good...but not great. It's hard to pursue something when you know you won't fail, but you won't soar either.

I want to go to photography school or film school, I want to let the creativity pour through me. I want freedom to express and produce.....but am scared of the mediocre results.

Failure I can deal with.
Success would be amazing.
Mediocrity, I don't want....

all grown up...... 

Lessons 10yrs in the making....

The friends that were truly important in my life 10yrs ago are still really important in my life today.

We never truly comprehend how our actions will effect the outcome of someone elses life.....good or bad.

We are not the same people today as we were yesterday, we are constantly changing, growing, learning, succeding, failing ..... moving.

We are very blessed when we have the support and love of friends during the tough times, not everyone does.

We can spend a lot of time assuming things about people, only to find out with just a single glance that we were wrong.

. 

inside the church at skoockumchuk 

In the middle of nowhere.... 

inside the church 

it was a good day.... 

well...on a lighter note.....

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8am..Andrew slept in :)
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds b/c they sparkle
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Madagascar
4. What are your favorite TV shows? Amazing Race...Taneane and I are SO going on that show.
5. What did you have for breakfast? Protien shake and no fat yogurt, then for my 2nd breakfast I had a cheesebiscuit and a caramel frappacino
6. What is your middle name? Joanne
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian, and anything chocolate
8. What foods do you dislike? mushrooms, raisins.
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Cheddar
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? My Josh Groban, Charlotte Church, Sarah Brightman mix.
11. What type of car do you drive? Toyota Matrix
12. Favorite sandwich? I don't like snadwiches, althoughI had a chicken carbonara sub at Quinzno's and I think I could seriously get addicted to them.
13. What characteristic do you despise? ignorance, selfishness
14. Favorite item of clothing? my new white flewffy skirt
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? AFRICA and EGYPT.....but for a week or two I'd love to take a train across Canada, or at least through the rockies.
16. What color is your bathroom? White!! My bathroom is finally white!!! with pink and chocolate brown accents
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Ugghh, I can never find clothes that work. I actually bought stuff from the Gap today. Usually it's Suzy sheer or the Garage (how fuuny)
18. Where would you retire to? I'm just trying to get through this year!!!!
19. Favorite time of the day? 9:00am Timmy time
20. What was your most memorable birthday? Hmmmm.....
22. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball, Although we watched alot of hockey last year and it really wasn't so bad.

25. What laundry detergent do you use? Laundry? what's that??
26. Coke or Pepsi? hee hee - coke.........with rum.
27. Favorite movie? Ocean's 11 and 12 was good too. The Power of One, So I married an Axe Murderer, A Christmas story
8. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Neither, noon is good
29. What is your shoe size? 7
30. Do you have any pets? A cat, a mouse, some wolf spiders, a frog, a deer, birds in a nest above the door and occassionally a bear.
31. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family & friends? Surprisingly no.
32. What did you want to be when you were little? Artist, missionary.
33. What languages do you speak? English and I know 4 spanish words
34. What is your pet peeve? Clothes that make me look fat!!!! (I had a frustrating day at the mall)

10 years later....

'Welcome to the real world', she said to me
Condescendingly
'Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white'
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeve
They love to tell you "stay inside the lines"
But something's better
On the other side......

I quickly read Scott's blog about expecations and began to think of how that word has played a role in my life. I had some unrealistic expectations of my husband and my marriage, right to the bitter end. I'm not sure I fully knew who he was and pretty sure I wasn't very accepting of that real, raw, human, man I married. In all fairness, he never accepted me either.
I always felt that I had to live up to some standard, some ideal, something that pushed me farther away from being my genuine self.

So the good boys and girls take

the so called right track

Faded white hats

Grabbing credits, maybe transfers

They read all the books but they can't

Find the answers

And all of our parents

They're getting older

I wonder if they've wished for anything better

I recently went to the Toyota dealership to take back the SUV I couldn't afford. I explained my situation to the salesman, who immediately told me he could get me into an affordable, 4 door silver corolla, he then priced it out for me and we (he) decided that would be a great option.

Am I capable of making my own decision? Or do I blindly follow what is expected of me, simply nodding and going ahead, b/c everyone else knows what is best for me?

I went back a week later to make the deal on the corolla I hated, the salesman was busy, so I wandered around with my Dad and lingered by the Matrix. I hated the thought of being stuffed into the awful 4 door family nightmare against my will. My Dad said "why don't you get the Matrix?" Why don't I get the Matrix???? It hadn't occured to me, the salesman hadn't given me the choice, could I really just walk in and buy the car I actually want??
Apparently.
So I did.

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungsI just found out there's no such thing
as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I definetly had different expectations for my life, I didn't expect to be 27 on the edge of divorce, living in a garage, working part time in retail. Is this real life? Pretty real.

They love to tell you

Stay inside the lines

But something's better

On the other side

Perhaps if I had spent less time worrying what others thought..... of me, my husband, my life, my choices, I would have been able to focus on the important things.... me, my husband, my life, my choices.

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion

I'm gonna bust down the double doors

And when I stand on these tables before you

You will know what all this time was for

I have my 10 year reunion in a week.
Friends keep asking me what I am going to wear.

Probably jeans.

happy birthday geek 

I don't want to do dishes.

I don't have to do dishes.

It's my house.

I'm not even going to clean my room.

I'm going to eat chocolate cheesecake instead.

TOP 10 REASONS WHY I PROCRASTINATE...

1.









.

good hair day....

Last night the photo staff all went down to Stella's for a non-work related outing.
I ordered a stellini.
The young waitress looked at me and said she would need to see some ID.
Grinning I replied, "Are you serious??"
And proceeded to dig out my drivers license.
The waitress stared at it and said "Holy Sh**" then promptly apologized.
"No way, I thought you were younger than me! Way to go girl! "
Apparently I don't look 27.

It was a good night.

Mitch commented on a post awhile ago that it was good to be back and he was interested in what I've been thinking about....
I realized that all my posts since have been about bacon, Tim Hortons and that darn cat. Pretty superficial stuff. So I thought I would step back and try something different. I may delete this post in an hour, it may be more personal than usual, but then if Liz can talk about antidepressants, anything else is fair game. (Proud of you by the way, for the honesty on that one)

So, what have I been thinking lately? Well my world has been filled with work and the never ending quest to find babysitting for my crazy shifts, figuring out child custody issues, worrying about how I will support myself next year. Loving my job, but hating the shift work, wondering how I will find time for Andrew once he's in school next year, thinking about looking for a more routine job that allows for weekends and evenings off to give Andrew more stability. And then the whole issue of divorce......

Hmmm...divorce.

It's weird how you think you know how you will handle something until it actually happens. I've been asking myself if I will sign the papers when they come. Just because I have every biblical right to sign the papers does that mean I should? On the other hand, at times I feel done and ready to move on, but then I feel guilt over that. And so it's a tug of war. So for that reason I will not do anything right now, not until I feel peace about it....but then will I ever have peace about it?
Lots of things on my mind besides bacon and pastry.


I think I need a danish.

#21 ICE CAPS!!!!!

forgot a few favorites...

11. my ceramic hair straightener - changed my life
12. anything wrapped in bacon....mmm...bacon
13. friends who love me accept me even when I'm cranky, insecure and filled with anxiety.
14. London drugs cinnamon buns
15. A good-hearty-tears-to-your-eyes-lose-your-breath-laugh.... haven't had one in a long time.
16. Someone to tuck you in at night, to kiss you and tell you to sleep well.
17. Anything wrapped in pastry.
18. Fresh country air, perhaps it's not a bad thing the apartment burned down. This morning I went outside in my jammies to water my flowers. Then the neighbors rode by on their tractor.
19. Fresh flowers in vase on my table, to add a splash of color and life to the house.
20. My garage at night when the blinds are drawn and just the lamps are on ..... it almost feels like, home.

I think that's all.....for now.

i forgot to tag people last time so here I go...I tag Denise & Kelly

Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It...

A friend sent me this....

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such... but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it’ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they’re more attentive than guys who “have more options”. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they’ll likely have mental lists of all the things they’d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. I’m not really familiar with this myself, but I’ve friends who’ve been intimate with geek guys and it’s raves all around. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra... all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

8.) They’re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you’re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won’t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his “groove” on with club hotties because, frankly, he’ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I’ve seen this happen. Me: “Eww. Victoria Secret’s Models... They’re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!” Geek Guy: “ooooooo...” Me: “Hey!” *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store* Geek Guy: “What?” Me: “Never mind...”

10.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn’t want to go someplace with you, you won’t have to worry much about what he’s up to. You’ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It’s ok. He’s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

11.) His friends aren’t jerks. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll more likely get “Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!” than “Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on...” They’re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code... a geek can dream).

12.) They’re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won’t care. He does too! They won’t get pissy if you don’t wear make-up or don’t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won’t try their best to make you feel like crap.

13.) They’re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won’t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he’ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce...

14.) You’ll almost never have to hear, “Yaw dawg whazzap!!” plop out of their mouths. Unless it’s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get “wasted”, so you won’t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps...

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a darn about you. Not how you look (though that’s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than “baby you got a fine ass!!!” Believe me.

from useless to maybe not half bad.....

I take back the word useless in reference to the cat.

She caught her first mouse last night (I'm so proud).

I heard banging in the storage room so I ran out of the bathroom b/c I thought maybe the ceiling was about to cave in, when Molly came down the stairs with little feet hanging out of her mouth. She proceded to take it to my room (gotta love cats).

I felt kinda bad taking it from her b/c she was so proud.

Now if she would just stop scratching the furniture, I might let her stay.

favourite things (in no particular order)

here they are......
(I too have excluded the givens God, Andrew, my family)

1. hot baths with bubbles and candles and soft music (sounds cheesey and girly I know, I'm not sure I should admit it)
2. my camera
3. creating a piece of art and having it printed on canvas - Canvas! my new favourite thing
4. Tim Hortons French Vanillas and honey crullers
5. Going to Tim hortons with Taneane, Andrew or any member of my family.
6. Listening to the rain on my metal roof, it reminds of when I was kid and I would sit in my fort in the rain....I love the smell of rain.
7. Paint chips - 2yrs ago for my birthday John took Andrew to Canadian tire to get me a present, Andrew headed for the paint aisle....when John told him they were going to look in another aisle Andrew insisted they get me paint chips instead.
8. Reading the paper Saturday morning
9. Airports
10. Email - I've been so lost without it - glad to have it back!

updates

I borrowed a useless cat to get rid of the stubborn mouse. The cat pretty much lays on the couch all day and acts like she owns the place. We are going to buy her a little tiara. The good news is we haven't heard from the mouse in a while.

I don't have my satellite anymore so that means we have been watching alot of movies. I'm so sick of the Incredibles. A friend brought me season 1 of corner gas - I had never seen it before. SO FUNNY. I've watched every episode three times now b/c there isn't much else to watch.

We had a bear in the yard last week. It killed a burrow at the horse farm 2 doors down. That seriously put a damper on the nice weather, as we went straight from the car to the house and vice versa.
We have a deer that visits and loves attention. I thought that was great until it started eating my flowers. No such a big fan of the deer now.
Had a frog in the kitchen, and wolf spiders in the curtains....

I've spent the last week painting and organizing, putting a new floor in the bathroom...trying to get the garage liveable.

All is well....

next blog will be my 10 favourite things.

I'm back!!!

Yeah! Finally got hooked up! (Thanks Peter for the modem). More blogs to follow. Woohooo!!

spontenaity and sacrifice

So when I left on monday, I put everything I could possibly need in my car.... then headed to LD to buy luggage. Not everything would fit in the new suitcase so I had to be selective. Unfortunetly I was in such a rush that I put the bag with my underwear in the pile of stuff I didn't really need and put all of that into the trunk.
I arrived in California with no underwear.


Yep.


Made a trip to the local Target to purchase some fresh undies yesterday....

it's raining in California...

dead wood...

I couldn't find a spot for the my-husband-left-me flowering tree in the new place (ironic huh?) so I stuffed it in a corner in my bedroom, it wasn't very happy there and began to wilt. So I decided to put it outside, it was a little early I realized, but I really had nowhere else to put it. It died with in a week.
Suprisingly I wasn't too upset. I had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of the brilliant purple flowers, but they just didn't fit in the new space. It felt rather freeing to pull the dead tree out of the pot and huck it into the bush. I planted some pink petunias instead.....

Ever have the urge to just jump on a plane and take off for a week without planning the trip? I had that urge yesterday morning. So first thing in the morning I threw my clothes in the car and headed to the travel agency, bought a ticket, and drove straight to the airport.

I am now sitting in sunny california, enjoying some much needed rest with the company of an old friend.

I'm 27yrs old and have never flown anywhere by myself. I was proudly proclaiming that to my planemates on the trip down. I stopped after I realized I'm not 10yrs old and I actually sounded kind of pathetic. But I conquered the drive to the airport, finding the park and fly, going through customs, transfering flights in portand so I can call myself a grown up now!

I have always wanted to do something so impulsive and now I have...it's a pretty neat feeling.

My friend Danea has been pointing out all the little annoying things she has noticed about life in "cali". I'll blog on that later. Right now..time for enchiladas!!

it's official...

I am a t-ball mom. I bought a folding chair and a waterbottle. I spend my tuesdays and thursdays sitting on the field watching children crash into each other while chasing stray balls. The kids are taught to play fair and encourage each other, and even cheer for the other team. I guess I should pay attention ... as twice a week I have to play nice with the ex and his girlfriend. So far so good, I haven't caused a scene. Yet.
In reality it's not so bad. I enjoy watching Andrew play and stay focused on that.
Go Raptors!!!!

27 years old and a PK

So it has occurred to me that I am actually a pastors kid. I grew up with them, never expected to be one. People I don't know seem to know me..Oh, you're pastor Susan's daughter. Yes, yes I am.
Makes me wonder if I have to behave myself in public now. But then, Mom doesn't, so why should I.

I need some PK advice if anyone has any....this is all new to me.

oh dear....

You Are 35% Normal(Occasionally Normal)
You sure do march to your own beat...But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at allYou think on a totally different wavelengthAnd it's often a chore to get people to understand you

Hello blogger world

Well the blogs are few and far between, I really should hook up the internet!

So Lucy Lu is slowly driving me insane....
She ate my bread..that was the last straw. I bought mousetraps. She licked the peanut butter off the traps but didn't set them off. I stuck a soggy cheerio on the trap in the hopes that it would dry and stick to the trap (you know when you leave cheerios in bottom of the bowl and they dry up and stick so you have to pry them off) she managed to pry that off as well without setting off the trap.
Last night she was srcatching in the ceiling above my room. I got so frustrated I went and slept on the couch at 4am. She decided to move to the living room and scratch there. So I turned on the TV to tune out the noise, but that kept me awake b/c there was an interesting show on. Yep, I think she's wearing me out, she's trying to drive me out. She won't win.
I'm borrowing Mom's cat for a week. If that doesn't work......

me, my mouse and I

First week in the garage.
We are warming up to the new place and learning to live with the new "family". Little Lucy Lu introduced herself the first night by sneaking into the candy bowl and treating herself to the treats. I found myself on a stool at 3am poking the bowl, encouraging Lucy Lu to pack her bags and move on..... Lucy Lu had other ideas.

I went to Rona to find a live mouse trap. I could only find the kind that squish the mouse into a rodent pancake, so I opted instead for an electronic pulsing repellent thing that plugs into the wall. I left a ritz cracker on the counter and it hasn't been touched in 3 days, so it obviously works. I will need to buy another one for the bathroom however b/c I wake up each morning to find droppings on the shelf. I was wondering what a mouse would need in the bathroom in the middle of the night. A coworker suggested she just needed to take care of business!

my life in a shoebox

so I'm completely out of the old house and have spent 3 nights in the garage amongst piles of assorted junk. Couch came today (a week earlier than expected) just looking for a truck to pick it up! (so excited).
I still have lots of painting and unpacking to do, but it's a huge relief to have everything out of the old place.

Interesting thing living in a garage, I discovered I have to turn of the lights to use the microwave, otherwise it takes 10 minutes to pop a bag of popcorn! But it's cozy and cute and quiet so we quite like it.

The only draw back is my internet is dial -up :P I'll just have to cope I guess!

Bye for now!
Cari

disappearing furniture.....

yesterday I came home to find my washer and dryer gone, today the dinning room table was missing, and in a few minutes the couches will go too......

I guess that means I'm making progress.

I'm hoping my theory of getting new furniture to help me move on works. It could backfire and the first night in the new place might seem like a foriegn world....of course with all the plants I could pretend I'm on a safari....that's fun!

I am on my way to pick up Andrew and meet someone I am not looking forward to meeting. I suppose it's better to get it all done in one shot. Husband moves out, sell the house, etc, deal with it now rather than put it off for a year and rehash it.

Lord give me strength, grace and a spirit of PEACE so I don't act like a freak.

It's Friday....but Monday's coming!

question

on my way to paint. going to Timmy's first. Do I wear my paint clothes into Tim Hortons?

Good News!

The garage is ready for paint (mostly). I'm hoping to get the main room done by tommorrow so I can start taking stuff over there! (yeah!) If anyone is bored come on by with a paint brush!

Boxes

In just over a week I will be unpacking boxes filled with earthly things I really don't have much use for...
this week families who live in deplorable conditions will be opening boxes filled with essentials and surprises. Some of these boxes may even change lives. Money that has been sent will be used to buy shoes and uniforms so the children will be able to go to school.

The first year we did baby clinic in El Amparo we had a line up out the door. We had brought our children's secondhand clothes and stuffed toys. The moms were so young and so eager for clothes for their little ones. It's incredible to be part of it.

8:08pm
This is as far as I got in this post, I was then going to talk about how I would love to spend more time packing up heavenly boxes. "do not store up your tresures on earth where moth and rust destroy......" But the bank called just as I finished that last sentence. Because I am not buying the apartment we will owe the bank a signicant penalty. That was the last straw, my money was already accounted for.... paying bills, paying debts, investing. I felt like I was getting the short end of the stick. It wasn't my fault the place burnt down. I unleashed on my husband via email, sobbing the whole time. I can't really say it was a money issue, it was more of a how much more can be heaped on me (have I mentioned that my new place isn't ready yet?). Up until that moment I was pretty accepting of my circumstances, so many people have had it so much worse than me, I was just chalking it up to "that's life". The families in Costa Rica don't have food on a daily basis and I'm bitching b/c I won't have enough for a down payment on a future home. I was having a huge pity party, my life isn't fair, why should he walk away with so much and me so little? Unfortunetly my husband who had wanted me to be more open and show more emotion just had his wish granted...perhaps not in a way he was hoping.
Time for a reality check....it's money, in the end it won't matter. I want heavenly boxes. I want to look back at my life and see the investments of made into eternal matters.
Sometimes that's easier said then done, it's so much easier to get caught up in the daily life, the earthly fairness of it, the drive to get ahead.

Store up your treasures in heaven, pack the heavenly boxes.

So glad my mother has left the country...

She would be absolutley appalled by my packing techniques.
I started off organizing and sorting, making sure everything that went together was in the same box. Labelling boxes so they would end up in the same room, wrapping anything breakable and then...
Then this morning I realized I only have 2 days off between now and moving day. I still have to pack, clean, go to the dump, paint the new place, move and clean the house. Sooooo......
I have resorted to scooping up anything and dumping it in a box. Taping the box and labelling it "misc."
Not sure I'm looking forward to unpacking.

moving day

Moving day will be Thursday March 31, so I might need some help for the furniture and possibly some pickup trucks. I know it's a week day, but even if I can have help after work that would be great. Thanks so much!

I am

Disclaimer: this blog is in no way meant to brag or make me look good in front of you all. It is merely a lesson learned about myself recently. After beating myself up b/c I do not meet someone else's standards, I have discovered that there is more to me than what was in the little box I was stuffed into. My list of likes and dislikes, abilities and inabilities was not predetermined by another and I refuse to live by them anymore. I am 3 dimensional...

I am
not one to back down when fighting for an injustice
willing to take on a challenge
not scared of change (anymore)
stronger than I think I am
fun
willing to go on an adventure
ready to try new things
able to see the positive (most of the time, except first thing in the morning)
not limited by my inexperience
excited by risks (doesn't mean I always take them, I'm just excited by them)
able to make my own desicions (with the input of others)
not scared to fail (i've done it enough, I'm getting good at it!)
successful when I try
someone who loves to be social with friends
not afraid to tell it like it is
not afraid to get lost - it just makes for a more exciting trip!
creative
loving
patient (okay, that might be a stretch)
ready to take on the world!! (or maybe just dewdney )

many shades of white...

So excited....I will be able to start painting the garage either tuesday or wednesday (Yeah!).

I have decided to be really bold and paint the main room white. Yes, I said white. I know you are all thinking you must be reading this wrong especially after the contraversial green kitchen.
I have a vision in white, but picking the right shade of white is next to impossible. I didn't realize it would be this hard. Definetly harder than any other color. And they want to buy the paint tommorrow so I have to make a desicion right now......aahhhhhh. Very stressful :)

I'm going to go stare at my white paint chips a little longer.

8:35pm
After consulting with Jenn and going through every shade of white imaginable, we settled on white. Just plain white. "Natural White". No chance of pink or yellow undertones. Pretty bold.

more than just a trinket.....

I found something today that was very valuable, I thought I had lost it years ago. Felt guilt for a long time for being so irresponsible. I never admitted I lost it, always just avoided the subject.
Today I found it 3yrs later, in a place I would have looked a dozen times while searching for it. It was in plain site. I had it all along, but I never saw it.

Oh dear!

So I blogged awhile ago that I had an addiction to house plants. At the time I had 22 house plants. Since then I have sold my house and have had to downsize considerably..... i got rid of three plants I wasn't too partial to at the garage sale. So I was down to 19. Then I found these beautiful 6ft palms at the Home Depot for $15.

I bought 2 of them.

Back up to 21. So I resoved to not buy any more house plants. I mentally decorated the garage and determined I really only need 11. But then.....

I went to superstore.

Yep, got sucked in. They have these cute little 1ft trees with pink flowers. Perfect for the pink bathroom....so perfect. They would look so great on the windowsill! There was three different shades, I would need at least 2 of them for the right effect.
I walked out of the store before I could buy them, but the memory of them still haunt me. I'm itching to go get them.
I'm going to be living in a greenhouse soon, not a garage!
Help.

coooofffeeeeeee

time flies when your having.....

Hmmm...
I just realized I have to move in just over 2 weeks. Not sure how that happened. Didn't really sneak up on me, I just kept thinking I had a lot of time.
I have 2 days off so I guess that means I'll be packing, cleaning and sorting - yuck. I hate moving. I'm going to get coffee...I think I'll need it...

Depressing night at work.
First of all it was very slow and by slow I mean s l o w.
my computer keeps track of when my customers come in, there was over an hour between customers at one point... ONE HOUR...you can only dust the film so many times!

Then there was the music....first up "All by myself, don't want to be all by myself....anymore" that was playing while I was in the change room staring at myself in the mirror.
Later it was "You've abandoned me...love don't live here anymore"

Need to shake that off and remember that I'm not by myself, I haven't been abandoned and love does live here. And that's really all that matters.

"the right choice and the hard choice are often the same thing"

Lessons from the bar part 2

Last night Dawn and I had dinner at Stella's, then we went to the London Drug's cosemtics fair. I went for the prizes and to have my eyebrows threaded. Not wanting my styling new eyebrow to go to waste we headed over to the springs for a chocolate martini (never had one before, really wasn't all that). Anyway, while there 2 ladies in their forties came and sat at our table. They were a little loaded on alcohol, bitterness and laughter and provided some great entertainment as they spewed off about not needing men (all the while checking out the 30yr olds from the corner of their eye).
One can't help but notice when you are in a bar, all the thin, gorgeous, barley dressed girls that drape themselves over anything that will buy them a drink. Although we didn't go looking for men (okay, I didn't go looking for men.... sorry Dawn:) you still feel a little like hugging a wall in your jeans, t-shirt and tummy rolls. These ladies kept looking at us a whispering in a barely audible voice, finally one of them said "See that girl in the camasol, she's wearing her freaking (she didn't say freaking) underwear! Girls like that attract a certain kind of guy, a guy that will be bored in a week. You girls are keepers, you guys will find Mr. Wonderful. Don't sell out."
Although I'm not looking for Mr. Wonderful, especially not in a bar....it was nice to be affirmed that we don't need to conform, we don't need to buy into the being thin and wild mentality. Who knew such wisdom could come from a 40yr old drunk woman.......

International Womans day...

...is today. Go girls!

Soooo...what are we supposed to do with this, shouldn't we get a day off or something, or free manicures for every woman...or better, free shoes!

Is there an international mans day?? Probably not why should men get whole day to themselves?? (just being sarcastic, no need to send vicious emails)

To celebrate I think I'll buy a couch! Lori, put in those french doors!!!

I never.....(following in Michelle's footsteps)

I never thought I'd enjoy snowboarding
I never realized how much life can change in a year
I never wanted to end up here
I never expected my apartment to burn down :P
I never realized how much I love my husband
I never had to lean on God as much as I do now
I never knew how much I could change
I never knew I could live outside my box.

I have never been more thankful for the blessings in my life.

things I am thankful for...

A personal committee to help make important desicions, like whether or not the new couch should have arms.
A four year old who never lets me forget the stupid things I do.
Friends who are always willing to go to Tim Hortons.
A camera that works.
A job that doesn't require me to get dressed up.
Call display.
A garage with a coke fridge.
Chocolate.
Microwave popcorn.
Paint chips.
An estranged husband I can still call friend (and I can still call when I drive my truck into the house).
Life

silly putty

Dear Lori,

I was sitting at the computer a few minutes ago when my 4yr old walked in and asked for help. I looked up at him and giggled as I noticed his forehead was green with a layer of silly putty.
B/c his forhead is so warm it has melted into a sticky goo that you would think would peel right off but doesn't. Hmmmm.... quite the dilema.

I stuck his head in the fridge for a few minutes in an attempt to harden the putty so it would come off in one big piece. That didn't work. So we grabbed a towel and cold water and scrubbed. He's managed to get it all off his head, but it's pretty stuck in his eyebrows. Do I let him walk around with green eyebrows? Any suggestions?

Sincerley,
Sticky in mission

just me...

The world has an interesting view on my situation.

Slowly people at work are finding out that I'm separated and many ask me outright about it. I try not to dive into too many details and I try not to say anything bad about my husband b/c despite everything I still think he's a good person....but the response I get from almost everyone goes something like this....
"One day he'll come to his senses and come back, but by then it will be too late b/c you will have met someone who thinks your fabulous and it will be his loss"

What I find interesting about these comments is 1) that people assume I am anywhere near ready to be in relationship b) that my self esteem and happiness depends on finding a guy who thinks I'm fabulous c) that I could so casually throw away a relationship as serious as a marriage with a "his loss" attitude.

I have some friends who started taking me out right after John left, they figured the best way to get over him was to meet someone else. I am absolutley baffled as to how jumping into another realtionship 2 weeks after my husband leaves is healthy??

My self esteem does not come from a man, a relationship or even the roles I play in life, my self worth can not be measured by the amount of hugs I recieve, or the number of "I love you's" I get. Nothing makes me feel better than when my son curls up on my lap and tells me he loves me, but do I judge my worth on that? honestly?.....sometimes.
It's dangerous, it's denial, it's alot of things but it's not healthy.

If John doesn't come back....I hope that one day I will find someone to share my life with, but until I'm okay with me, just me ... with life, relationships and roles all striped away, I don't think I want it.

Me, my garage and I

have you ever seen the show "me, my house and I?" It's a decorating show about a standup comedian who takes on home improvement projects on her own, usually discovering she's bitten of more than she can chew ..... it's kind of how I picture Lori when she tears out walls in her house - safety googles, big hammer, a couple of smart reamarks.....

I have a confession to make. My little cabin is not so much of a cabin as it is ....well...it's really a garage. Yes I said garage. I realized people were getting the wrong idea when I mentioned I was moving into a cabin, everyone was saying "oh, how nice, it must be cozy", "is it a log cabin?". I think people had visions of me sitting on covered porch with a glass of wine gazing out over a peaceful lake watching the sun go down.

Not so much.

Don't get me wrong, it's cute, it's cozy, but it is a garage. So this will be my saga...filled with stories of making the garage a home. Stay tuned for scenes fromm the next episode....

the ledge..

From the time I was 8 I had wanted to be a missionary in Africa. I had it all planned out and I recently found the maps and life plan I drawn up at the age of 12.
Fear held me back and I never actually went. Life plans changed and I got married young. We had talked about going on a missions trip for 6 months, my husband said he would put the career on hold for a bit. He was offered a great job shortly after we were married, one we couldn't pass up. So we settled into life. I don't regret getting married, I have (had) a wonderful, amazing husband and a beautiful son....a great life. Perhaps there was part of me that secrelty longed for more adventure. I was learning to be content with where I was, to appreciate the life I had.
One night last spring I was walking home from the corner store to our new house, I knew my husband and son were there and my sister and her kids all waiting in the backyard. As I made my way up the driveway I breathed in the fresh beautiful spring air and thought to myself "I love my life" it was a real, honest moment. It was followed by the thought "whoever loves his life shall lose it..."
It was mere hours later that my world was rocked....

It's been a rollercoaster the last 10 months. Learning to adjust, have faith, yet let go all at the same time. I made the desicion to buy an apartment, my first major desicion to make on my own in 7 1/2 yrs. I felt good about it, was happy with it. Then....the fire.

Sushi once wrote about God not letting her stay on the plateau...that's definetly how I'm feeling right now. However a nice stable ledge halfway up might not be so bad..??..

So, another new plan. No apartment, no soaker tub. Instead a cute rustic cabin in the country (we all know I'm a country girl at heart). I think I'll get settled and spend some time with me and God, then move on to the next adventure.

. 

this is me at the beginning of the day while I was still optomisitc! - more pics of me actually on the board to follow.... 

Stupid holidays

Valentines Day....
Didn't give it much thought, decided not to dwell on it too much today. But now that the kid's in bed and I'm settling in to watch TV for the evening, I have discovered there is not much on, unless you want to watch the Bachlorette. Yes, that's how I want to spend Valentine's Day, watching some guy get his heart stomped on by a gorgeous blonde....
actually....come to think of it, that might be somewhat entertaining!
I'm breaking out the chocolate as we speak.

9:22
okay, that lasted 5 mins. GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!!!!

"Oh whats-your-name, I've known you for 20mins, but it feels like a lifetime......I don't know your last name, or where you live or what your favourite color is, but I believe you're my soulmate! I will die if you don't give me a rose....just die....wither and die....."

PUL-EEZE!!!!!!

I'm breaking out more chocolate.

Plan B

The building is pretty much destroyed (as those of you who have driven by or seen the news would know).....My realtor is getting me out of the deal as we speak. She doesn't want to see me getting into the situation, and quite frankly neither do I.
So, it's time for plan B, not sure what that is but I have 6 weeks to figure it out.
I'm a little sad about the soaker tub though.....

the burning bush...errr...apartment

God's speaking.
I'm not sure what he's saying.
The building where I just purchased an apartment went up in flames last night.
Not sure what that means.
It looks like about 6 units at the front are toast (quite literally). I'm in the back and the unit above mine has the roof caved in. So I'm thinking at minimum there is smoke and water damage.
Hmmm....still not sure what to do with this information.


Yep, I'm really at a loss for words......

owwww......

'nuff said.

~whimper~

	Friend Bear You are everyone's ideal friend because you are sincere and genuinely kind. Sometimes you worry about your friends' problems so much, you forget about your own responsibilities, which can get you into trouble. For you, it's the little things that really count. You also happen to be the main driver of the Cloud Car. No speeding!
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

22hrs and counting.....

Tommorrow's the big day.....
My first time snowboarding .... ever.
I'm trying to come up with a good excuse not to go. Can't seem to come up with one.
I'm not sure I want to back out though, it would be very typical of me and I'm tired of being typical me. So as freaked out as I am, I won't back out. I probably won't sleep tonight either b/c I'm having just a bit of anxiety at the thought of strapping a board to my feet and being pushed off a mountain!
Perhaps I didn't think this one through?

have I gone mad?

So, now that life is moving forward I have decided I need to step out of my comfort zone a bit. Fear of ...everything... has held me back from really having fun. I have decided to try things once and, if I hate it I won't do it again. Take a risk, take a dive, take a plunge. (take a tylenol)

Side note here - I was saying to a coworker, how I need to take more risks. He told me that he would never walk the streets of Mission at night talking to drug addicts in back alleys, interesting that it doesn't scare me, maybe I have more guts than I thought

Anyway, back to the point...last summer I was dragged kicking and screaming (okay, more like whimpering and complaining) on a white water rafting trip. Huge step for me as I am terrified of water, I don't even let the water on my face when I shower. The guide thought it would be really funny to put me in the very front of the boat - talk about facing your fears head on!

Now I have been signed up against my will to go paintballing - no fear associated with that one, just something I would not normally do, which made me think, maybe that's why I should do it.

And finally a coworker is going to take me snowboarding. This is huge for me. I have been avoiding it for years for various reasons - I hate being cold, I hate falling, I hate feeling out of control, I'm convinced I won't actually be able to do it, I had a boyfriend ditch me on the mountain while trying to teach me to ski, there is too much pressure to actually be good and enjoy it. So I decided, forget all that, I'll give it a try and if I hate it, I'll spend the rest of the day in the Lodge drinking hot chocolate, nothing wrong with that. And no marriages will be destroyed b/c of one day on the mountain.

Next on the list...skydiving, a tatoo and Africa!
Stand back...here I come, there's no stopping me now!

6 degrees of separation

I discovered something weird this morning. While reading a friend's blog (a friend with no connection to new heights.... other than me of course :) I clicked on a link to one of her friend's blogs (a friend I don't know and have never met) On that blog there was a link called "Mandy". I thought "wouldn't that be weird if it was our Mandy?" But I figured the chances of that were slim, so I clicked. Turns out it is our Mandy. How weird. Small world.

The art of picking (err, smashing) a lock....

My talented brother-in-law just left after a lengthy battle with the storage room lock. It looked for a minute that the lock would win, but with perserverance Dennis claimed victory!
He started off with the traditional butterknife in the door, which quickly turned into a butter knife, steak knife and filet knife all in the door. But alas the door would not budge. His diligent assistant, 10yr old Matthew, was convinced that breaking the door down was the best option. I don't think 10yr olds grasp the concept that it costs money to replace a door. A door that won't even be mine in 2 months.

After the realization that the butterknife in the door was not going to work, my never-say-die brother popped the pins out of the hinges, but again...he was faced with an obstacle. The hinged were enginered so as to not come apart from that angle.

After replacing the pins, it was time to bring out the big guns. I think Matthew would have been thrilled to bring out the chainsaw and rip the door to pieces...but Dennis chose instead to pull out the hammer. Three whacks and the door knob broke off.....Success!!
And we didn't have to tear down any walls, which was next on the list.

Thank you Dennis for freeing the packing boxes!!!

finally...out of soap.

shortly after I got married, I began stocking up on household items. The main one being bars of ivory soap, not really sure why, but my mom shopped in bulk so I just picked up the habit. I went a little crazy one month, and I remember John remarking how we weren't going to have to buy soap for years. He was right, that was 6yrs ago.
Tonight I started the clean sweep of the bathrooms. I was dismayed to discover I only have 1 bar of soap left. I haven't bought soap in 6yrs, how am I going to remember to buy it now?

Out of the mouths of babes...

I just tucked Andrew into bed...this is how his prayer went:
"Jesus, Father, have a great day (thank you for a great day)...welcome for (thank you for) John and Carolyn and Sean from Magiccuts who cut my hair. Amen"

sigh....

time to relax, everything finally went through...it was one of those 11th hour things, with backup plans in place in case anything went wrong. I just signed all the papers...the apartment is officially mine, the house is officially sold...life is officially moving on.
Andrew asked his dad to live with us in the apartment, he had to explain why he couldn't. It broke my heart, life's just not fair. But then I guess no one promised it would be.
So we'll reorganize, declutter, get rid of some unneeded things and move to the next phase of our lives, not sure what that is but it will be an adventure. Someone who cares about me very deeply is encouraging me to travel, go to Africa before I settle into the mundane business of society, to take a risk ... Just do it, take the road less travelled....
I have to figure out how to do that with a 4yr old. I need to have an established life here for him, but I also need to fullfill some dreams (callings?) of my own, how do I do that? I don't think I'll worry about that tonight...I think I'll draw a hot bath and rest knowing it's in God'd hands and in his timing.

moving day(s)

Moving day is April 1st! (it's a friday) but I don't have to be out until the 2nd, so I can spread it out over 2days.

trying not to feel stressed...

The owner of the apartment I bought has invoked her 72hr subject removal clause, which means I have 72hrs (actually less than that now) to remove my subjects from my offer. Thank goodness the house sold, looks like the mortgage will go through, still have to get insurance, it's just a matter of getting all this paper work figured out by Wednesday...arrrgggghhh feeling a little pressured, I'd hate to lose the place because of some late paperwork!
Andrew also has to register for kindergarten this week, which means I need his birth certificate, which is in the glovebox in my truck in the repair shop AND he needs to get his immunization records and get his shots up to date this week too.....arrrgghhh. And I have to work, and I have ... actually that's all, okay so it might not be so bad, I just have to plan well so I don't miss any deadlines. I should concentrate on the apartment first and I can shoot the kid later.
I just hope it all works out.....

you gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight. (from the song "lover's in a dangerous time)

help!

An overzealous realtor locked my storage room after a showing last week..... and I don't actually have a key for that door. All my boxes for packing are in there! So I am in desperate need of someone to pick the lock. If anyone posses this talent pls. let me know (no questions asked)